I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
