Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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