Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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