Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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