Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I love you.
Bad choice
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