Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
