Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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