yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
