At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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