Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I need to sanitize my soul.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
