I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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