I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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