I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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