PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
