thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
