just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
