I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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