im drinking this country out of the recession.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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