she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
