Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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