"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
