His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
