i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.