If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I would ride that face into the sunset
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
