I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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