i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
