He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
