on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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