My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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