sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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