Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
