Heybabeimwearingurpanties
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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