I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
