well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize