Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
