I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
