I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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