**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Randomize
