...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
His nipple licking is glorious
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