never play flip cup with pint glasses
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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