he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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