My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You pole danced in your parka.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
