So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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