I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
This is classic penis vs brain.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
