capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
