Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
