dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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