I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
