Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
