we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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