Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
