2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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