At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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