You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
