Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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