He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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