I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
